he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone says I win the strip club
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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