Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
