last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
