The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
