i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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