She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
