I just cut my nipple shaving
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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