sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
