You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
