apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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