The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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