halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
a search helicopter?!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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