And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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