If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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