I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
