so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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