then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
