That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
