insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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