Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
