We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
