If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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