shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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