I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
