Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
