Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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