I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
