Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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