I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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