He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
