and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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