i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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