If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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