Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
