we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize