I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
