my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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