You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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