ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
