i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My bed smells like the plague
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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