I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
