Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
