they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did I show you my penis last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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