as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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