My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
