Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
