the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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