So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
