Don't make out with my wife yet
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Found the puke drawer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
