the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
