Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
