i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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