help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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