every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
