hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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