that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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