just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
