Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
