I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
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Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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