I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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